Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Malibu Dreams and Smells of Death

This weekend my byestest friends and I went on a little road trip. A little road trip that took a hair shy of 24 hours and about 31 hours back. It was a little birthday getaway for Smurth Smith, the Latebirds hosted a Boner Bash Camping Thing and maybe most importantly T3's first wild adventure and BOY OH BOY was it sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fun fun fun fun fun fun fun. So fun that we were still able to see/stand each other the next day and the day after etc.

Shall we start the show now?

Our trip didnt start until late afternoon on Thursday. Mutt Smarth just finished building his trailer like HELLO the night before. He was worried but truthfully, it was the coolest thing I had seen yet. YET.

Be proud Phil, pedals off makes serious sense.

I had been busy all morning baking snacks for the trip. I promised not to make anything dangerous for Kurt and Murt but for me and Tarbith there were no rules.

And so we drove and drove and drooooooooove. It was nice leaving late in the morn. The sun took its time setting as we blasted down I-5.

Eventually, Matt's eyeballs gave in and we pulled over in our packed to the gills Turdcel and napped. I woke to the most pungent smells and the air so thick and moist you can choke on it. Next to us were some rude horses watching us sleep. But I talked to them to see what was up and NAAAAY they were just chillin out admiring the deluxe T-cel and trailer.

But just to play with their jealous while they lazily stood in their dressing rooms, I pranced along them joyously.

After our 4 hour nap, we found ourselves at a diner that gave us maple syrup shots.

Breakfast was unfortunately lackluster but we continued forth towards the south.
Delirium ran high, as did the pungent odor of bad breath, flatulence, rancid feet and putrid blood. But we stayed in good spirits. Thanks to the GraphicAudio book we got at the truck stop that was neither fun, enticing, exciting, mysterious or graphic.

We stopped many times for gas and poo breaks but it was this stop that was my favorite.


Everything tasted good in this tiny cool hut. Wherever we were it was 20 degrees hotter than it had been and we all started to get pitted sooooooooooo pitted. So much so we started to ditch non important (while driving) clothes.

Was it all the oil rigs that was making it so dang hot? Or was it because we left the comfort of I-5 for far more mysterious terrain, THE 33!

Mile after mile it was pump here pump there. There was no sign of real life which only made me believe that this is where THE HILLS HAVE EYES.

Finally, we entered the Los Padres National Forest and jejus chrissst it was GORGE-EOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

We got out once elevation hit 5,000 and rushed to take photos.

And pee.

And let the Turdcel chill.

Down the hill and thru the mountains pee holes we finally made it across the mountains. We were glad we got to see this mysterious forest but even more glad that LA was getting closer and closer.

AND FINALLY WE DID. And with 2 hours left to find the actual campsite (before they shut the gate) without any direction, we panicked and drove in the dark looking for a sign. A moped. Or exploding frog.

And we were saved. As it was too dark to even see who was walking past, we quickly put together our condo association and dinner (FROM THE MOST AMAZING MEXICAN SUPERMARKET, THE VALLARTA SUPERMARKET-SORRY I HAVE NO PHOTOS). We shared hugs and hi-fives with familiar friendly faces, Travis Squid, Burt Hoffmanberger, Gorillion and Lady Gorillion, Scooby, Josh Dore and Jennae and Annie and and and Jessica Longo of Longo fame! AND ALL THE TINY DOGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And thee Harvey Fangboner!!!

There werent too many people there and because so it was totally chilllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.
Everyone took their time getting ready for the ride, but I was more interested in our dear friend, Laotian.

My ride actually lasted a few miles South along the coast. I noticed that Jennae and Annie were parked on the side of the road. Too bad for busted mopeds. Eventually Annie and I tried to find the rest but since we got so far behind, and the Magnum she was riding was being a piece of poo, I decided to ditch the ride and head back to camp, where a sick Kurddle was nursing a horrible pot brownie hangover. He was alive and hungry. And the kitchen was ours.

After lunch we went exploring and found something very magical and wonderful and amazing.

No, not just riding along the Pacific Ocean. IT WAS OUR ONION VOLCANO!

Or really just a secret magical station we can charge our DSes too as there was nearly NOTHING in sight.

Without DragonQuest we had no idea what we'd do. Count? Staring contest? Read a book? NAAY!

We invented a game! Involving sticks!

We knew everyone would be murderously jealous so when everyone got back, we didnt tell a single soul.

Later that evening we needed to find ways to annoy/wow people.
One of us actually did.

If only I too had a sound activated light up tee shirt.

It had been too long since we gave Laotian a visit. We were interrupted by a meth addict hiding out in the rocks. We were not scared. But the distant sound of a queef made us a little frightened.

Laotian at night was spectacular. The headlights sneaking around the canyons would shine and move along so dramatically in a way Alfred Hitchcock would probably smile and repeat the word "lovely lovely" over and over again. I think this was my most favorite moment this weekend. And

The next day was Sunday which follows Friday, and falls on the weekend. Did you know that?
I heard familiar sounds across our door.

This camping trip was too short as it was already time to go. We quickly loaded the trailer and Turdcel, said our tearful goodbiles and head to the beach.

The air was chilly and the water was ballshrinkingly cold.
But it sure was beautiful.

There was no way we could leave without stopping in Koreatown OF COURSE!
And that we did. First Korn food, Choke, the La Brea tar pits, then the Griffith Observatory which was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RADICAL MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Missing our Onion Volcano, there was only one taste in our mouths.

The next morn we found ourselves in Sacramento. Remember that place?
I DO BECAUSE my most favorite moped gang lives there, The Landsquids.
So of course we had rudely visit.

Kurt's marshmallow herp finally exploded. I apologize for the blurry photo but I was painfully laughing to a point where I lost control of my hands. My hands felt like they were being shocked and turned into MARSHMALLOWS! Have you ever had that happen?!!!!!

We made our way to Motomatic after some mediocre breakfast borreetoes. It was surely nice to see some friendly faces EXCEPT SARA AND ROSA WERE MIA. BITCHES.

We said our sad goodbiles and left for Seattle. Too soon.

But my what a beautiful ride home it was.

And of course, no trip to California is complete without a trip to Weed.

Can't wait for another T3 adventure, RENO!.

My Fangs